Sometimes I write stuff for McSweeney's, the venerable humor publication and bottomless pit of "Wouldn't it be hilarious if this historical figure did this contemporary thing?" speculation. It never gets old!
Anyway, the last thing I wrote for them made Soldier of Fortune, the murder-for-hire magazine, so mad that they threatened legal action. This pleases me. It's a way more exciting outcome than the usual 6 retweets my work earns, and I'm sad that it didn't escalate into a real-world confrontation between oily Rambo wannabes and Bay Area book nerds.
Here's the original piece. Maybe they'll try to sue me too!
Soldier of Fortune Magazine Is Proud to be the Last Remaining Publisher of Dilbert
At Soldier of Fortune magazine, the only periodical devoted to private mercenaries and the private mercenary lifestyle, we’re no stranger to controversy.
In its 48-year history, SOF has been on the receiving end of numerous lawsuits, most of which stemmed from our steadfast commitment to printing thinly veiled murder-for-hire advertisements between DIY pipe bomb instructions written by paranoid schizophrenics.
However, these challenges only strengthened our resolve, and against all common sense we vow to continue pushing the boundaries of paramilitary pseudo-journalism for the criminally insane.
It is in that spirit that Soldier of Fortune magazine is proud to announce that we are officially the last remaining publisher of Dilbert comics.
Rest assured that our staff does not take this responsibility lightly.
As the foremost source of Congolese militia news and leaked Russian tank schematics, we consider it a privilege to carry Scott Adams’ satirical sendup of white-collar office culture to a new and more receptive audience of shell-shocked sociopaths.
Starting with our April 2023 digital issue, the whole Dilbert gang—Dogbert, Catbert, Wally, Alice, and all your favorite characters—will be reporting for duty in the footer of SOFmag.com/Badass.
Just agree to the terms and conditions of our popup “Vigilante Oath” and scroll past the flak jacket coupons for sidesplitting Kafkaesque commentary on corporate bureaucracy from America’s finest Aryan humorist.
And because we hold ourselves to a higher standard, Dilbert comics in Soldier of Fortune magazine will be free to explore the hard-hitting issues eschewed by the Woke Mainstream Media.
Laugh along as Dilbert suffers through the absurdity of diversity training in a country clearly built on prejudice against caucasians, Carol realizes that feminism is a scam, and The Pointy-Haired Boss unleashes a barrage of indiscriminate hellfire on gender-nonconforming Elbonians from the cockpit of an A-10 Warthog.
As an added bonus, each strip will also include a subscribers-only video manifesto from the cartoonist himself, downloadable via BitTorrent, in which the hidden symbols and esoteric allusions of the deeper Dilbert universe that “they” don’t want you to know about are explained.
Episode 1, “Triangular Haircuts As An Allegory for Reverse Racism Within the Black Lives Matter Movement,” is available now.
Yell “I’M HIT, SARGE!” into any Ham radio and we’ll send you an early access link in Morse code.
It’s the raw, uncut Dilbert content that true American patriots deserve. And we will not bow to the Radical Leftist Mob.
At Soldier of Fortune magazine, we share in Mr. Adams’ belief that the First Amendment gives us the right to broadcast dangerous and offensive content without threat of wrongful death litigation, dishonorable discharge, or having our wacky doodles removed from the Sunday Funday section of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.
So heads up. Because Ratbert is gonna be using the N-word.