I'm afraid, dear reader, that our cherished fossil-fueled way of life may vanish forever if the current trend toward Godless socialism continues. I saw a Tesla on US 23 yesterday. It didn't even make a noise. I cried.
Clearly, the situation has reached a point where being a mere "Friend of Coal" is no longer sufficient. It's time, patriots, to have crazy sex with it. If you love coal and you love America you'll dig up a big pile of "God's Rock" and rub it all over your naked body. You'll stick it in your holes (all of them) and you'll like it because it will feel good. You'll tell the coal that it's your daddy and that you have been bad and need to be punished. You'll climax, and then you'll roll over and smoke a pipe that has a big lump of coal in it. You'll give yourself black lung and you'll die, but it will all be worth it because the sex was so good.
It has to be done.
Then you'll CLICK ON THIS LINK and buy a shirt, sticker, mug, or tote bag that lets any LIBTARD you're unlucky enough to come in contact with know that you're officially out of the Friend Zone with coal and you are now proudly having earth-shattering intercourse with it. The look on their stupid face alone will be worth the purchase price.
Pick up your official "I Have Sex with Coal" gear today and totally own the snowflakes.